So why would I fear the future?

Regret...something I have not felt in the 3 years since I have known. I believed I was being courageous getting tested but I did not know how much the result would torment me. It tests me every day and as I stood in front of the mirror this morning putting make up on my face I felt a surge of regretfulness over the choice I made. I thought to myself, 'Wouldn't it be easier now if I had made a different choice?' I gazed at myself, 'Would I be the same person I am now?' 

I had accepted the diagnosis readily with such ease but now something is stirring inside me screaming, 'I don't want it! The burden is too heavy'. Seeing my father beginning to show early signs of HD conjured up images, thoughts and feelings of my future. There is so much fear surrounding the disease's form of attack, the way it seems to strip away a person's identity. The way that daughter must look at father knowing she must become like him. 

Wouldn't it have been easier now if I had not taken that test? I could at least put all my faith and trust in God that I would be free of disease as no laboratory results would say otherwise. Instead I have this piece of paper inscribed with my fate. Yet as I have free will I made the choice to see what lay dormant in me. Again it was confirmed as little embryos formed in me were discovered to hold the same toxic seed. 

I have another choice before me- despite all this knowledge that has come from DNA, from doctors and generations before me do I still trust God that He will work it all out for good? Do I still have hope that somehow I could be healed from what is deemed an incurable disease? I made a choice and chose this path and I don't pretend it isn't harder- it calls for my faith to be so much bigger, it calls for me to look beyond what I think I understand and put complete trust in God. 

"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

~Matthew 16:24-26

David may not have had a piece of paper to show for it but he had a death warrant on his life. Saul wanted him dead and it was battle that required David to put all his trust in God and in doing so his faith grew bigger and bigger each time. He reminded himself all the time of God's goodness and expressed his heart in the writing of his songs. So why would I fear the future? "Fear will never conquer me, for you already have!'"

So I pray that though this path is hard at times I will remember, "the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago", of how big our God is and how nothing is impossible with Him!! 

"So why would I fear the future? For I'm being pursued by Your goodness and unfailing love". ~Psalm 23 The Passion Translation.

Choosing to love...

It has been 4 months since my relationship with my Dad has been restored. I have been amazed at what God has been doing but also how He has been doing it too! I am continuing writing everything that has been happening and through my writing I have been able to express some of my most deepest thoughts. 

There has been a lot of rebuilding and through the rubble and ruins I have had to sift the old objects of my memories. Memory after memory has been resurfaced and each time I have to choose what I want to do with it. This is soul restoration - I am being completely rebuilt. Foundations removed entirely and replaced by Jesus. Sometimes I feel conflicted as I am pulled between the old and the new. 

Many conflicting feelings have arisen since building the new relationship with my Dad as my soul battles between love and fear. Love will win it out- it always does but there is pain in moving from the one to the other. Firstly I have had to get out of my comfort zone! I knew that in choosing to accept this relationship instead of rejecting it that I would have to move into places of great discomfort. How tempting it can be to run from those places and it has took all my strength not to. 

In my counselling sessions using Sozo tools many times I declared forgiveness for my father rejecting me. Yet now as I walk the journey of rebuilding forgiveness becomes an act- it moves from words to actions. Just as I declared my forgiveness in the spiritual realm it must now take place in the physical realm. I must choose in each moment to let go and let God fill me with His love. 

A flood of emotions have overcome me at times abruptly leaving me feeling heavy and oppressed. I am overwhelmed by their rude awakening. Anger, doubt, distrust, resentment, self-pity tormented my soul. I had never been angry at my Dad before and now it raged through me. I love my Father in heaven, not this father who was never there for me and left me with an inheritance I never wanted. As I filled with hatred it felt so unnatural, rebellion and self-destruction followed soon after and I was getting pulled into a greater force stronger than all this. Then God reminded me, gently and quietly, He reminded me of love and how much He loves me. 

Yet more than this He reminded me that is a choice- I have to choose to love and there is power in that. God chose to love me when I was nothing and when I was a complete mess! God restored my father to me and therefore I must choose love over fear and forgiveness over hate. God's love is stronger than any hate, his love burns with holy fire and will shine through all.